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Overcome Resistance to Your Best Advice

Little Freddy was looking very sad.

Freddy was being interviewed by Art Linkletter on the show, Kids Say the Darndest Things. Linkletter knew that he had to handle Freddy very carefully. But he also hoped to cheer him up.

“Freddy,” Linkletter began, “you don’t look very happy. What’s wrong?”

Freddy said, “My dog died.”

Linkletter responded, “Oh, that’s very sad. A dog can be a member of your family. I lost a dog once. But remember, your dog will be waiting in heaven for you when you get there.”

Freddy looked at Linkletter in astonishment.

“What would god want with a dead dog?!”

When You and Your Clients Disagree

Your client might mirror Freddy’s astonishment when you present a position that she strongly disagrees with. The frustration for you can come when that position is clearly in your client’s best interest.

How then, can you help your client see the light?

The clue lies in how Freddy and Art Linkletter uncover their different understandings of the dog’s place in heaven. The notion that his dog would be alive in heaven is completely foreign to Freddy. Of course, you and I and Art Linkletter know better.

But why?

Even if you don’t believe in heaven, you have been educated about the concept. Most of the world’s religions include some aspect of an after-life. If you believe in heaven, you have been trained to expect to be reunited with your loved ones when you pass away, perhaps including your pets.

Freddy has not yet acquired a “pets-allowed” view of heaven. But, he believes his understanding of heaven to be complete. Once we, as humans, come to know a thing, our receptiveness to new information about that thing is much lower. The more certain we are about a concept, the less willing we are to reconsider our position.

How do you convince your client when her receptiveness about a concept is low?

Introduce the Idea Gradually

Recently, Linkletter, well into his 90’s, was speaking to an audience on a cruise ship sharing stories. My parents were lucky enough to be in the audience.

Linkletter related to them how kids would be chosen for the show. The show’s producers would speak to teachers and ask them to identify the most disruptive kids in class. These are the children who are least likely to be shy in front of an audience and the most likely to tell their stories on the air.

The producers would contact the parents a week before airtime to get permission. Often, the parents would instruct their children what they were not allowed to talk about.

You can guess what question Linkletter asked the children first, can’t you?

“What did your parents tell you not to tell me?”

Enhance Idea Absorption

Did you catch that?

Linkletter was able to get information from the kids, because the information was fresh in their minds. Sure, the parents were unwitting accomplices, but you can use the same strategy to help your clients see what they need to see.

Your client’s resistance to new ideas is merely a protective mechanism. There is simply too much information competing for your client’s attention. If your client were receptive to every piece of new information, she would get nothing done.

Intuitively, she knows this. As an advisor, you may find yourself offering a solution that is so far outside of your client’s understanding of what is appropriate, that she will reject it merely out of protection.

It’s not unlike pouring water into a dry sponge. A dry sponge does not absorb water very well. Try it and watch the water splash off the sponge like it was solid. Only when the sponge begins to get moist does it absorb water.

The human brain is similar with new ideas. Some aspect or connection to that new concept has to be in place before absorption can happen.

How can you enhance your client’s idea absorption?

Diminish the Threat of the New Idea

If you can identify your client’s resistance as more protective than aggressive, then you can overcome the resistance by circumventing the protective reflex.

You can do this by aiding your client in their idea absorption. Make it easier for your client to acquire the idea. Here are a few tactics.

Paint a Better Picture

If your client is resistive to your idea, it may be because she does not have a clear picture of the concept, or perhaps she has a different picture than you would paint. Look for opportunities to be more descriptive in your language. Better yet, enroll your client in helping you paint the picture.

For Freddy, Art could have asked him what heaven looked like, who was there, could he envision his family members there. When Freddy made the connection between family and heaven, Art could have asked if the dog was a member of the family. Freddy likely would have made the connection that his dog would be alive in heaven on his own.

Identify Common Ground

You can overcome the protective reflex by regressing to your client’s base assumptions. The knowledge of all humans, individually and collectively, is based on assumptions and beliefs. Invite your client to help you understand her position. As she explains her thinking process, listen for the assumptions she uses to build her case. Then explain how your position is consistent with those assumptions.

For Freddy, Art could have asked what happens to dogs when they die or why would the dog be dead in heaven. Art could have asked Freddy the same about a member of his family who might have passed away. Eventually, Art could have even asked if Freddy knew what would happen to him someday.

Practice Listen-Feedback Skills

A tremendous amount of resistance might come from the fact that your client does not feel understood. Sometimes, clients will just need to feel acknowledged and validated for having ideas of substance and value.

Part of the inherent weakness of an advisory position is that you have not lived in the shoes of your client, and your client knows this. As a result, you have to earn your way to a point where your ideas are valued. This is where you give to get. The better you are at conveying respect and acknowledgement for your client’s ideas, the more open your client’s response will be.

Back to Freddy, Art could have used the statement “What would god want with a dead dog,” as a starting point to explore what happens to dogs when they die. Then when Freddy felt heard and understood, Art could have offered another perspective. Then, Art could have asked Freddy what he thought about both perspectives.

Explain the Benefits Versus the Costs

Never bet against the human predisposition of acting in one’s own self interest. In this particular case, you are simply appealing to one protective instinct over another.

Simply lay both alternatives side-by-side. Invite your client to participate in evaluating the alternatives. Your client will be far more likely to buy into your position when she has had a role in evaluating the costs and benefits of it.

Freddy would not be a good example for benefits versus cost. I imagine he would clearly want to see his dog alive in heaven. Still, it is best to find what is most important to your client and demonstrate the value of your position with those criteria.

Overcome Resistance With . . . Less Resistance

Just as your client has a protective reflex guarding against taking on too much new information, so do you and I. If both you and your client come to the table acting out of reflex, the chances are good that a disagreement will result in a tug of war.

No one wins in a tug of war. So do not get into one.

Instead, aid your client in her absorption of your idea. Identify common assumptions. Relate to what she understands and knows to be true. Do a good enough job and good enough work and who knows . . .

. . . maybe someday you will get to play with Freddy’s dog in heaven.

Happy Client Retaining,

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© 2004-2007 Jeff Simon Consulting. All Rights Reserved. Wouldn't you love to peer into your client's head and know what they are thinking and feeling? Could you have better success at keeping and choosing your best clients if you could decode their behavior? Check out the Happy Clients Newsletter at: www.happyclientsnewsletter.com.

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