Happy Clients Newsletter

Home > Manage Clients Articles: Catharsis Loop

Frustrated With Your Client?
Beware The Catharsis Loop

There is something oddly mesmerizing about cheesy theater tricks.

Have you ever seen a cowboy riding his horse during a play? The cowboy and the horse—actually a make-believe horse—stay in place. To depict travel, a canvas background is looped from behind.

I can still remember one such play. The background loops. You would see the cowboy riding past a cactus, then tumbleweed, followed by a smaller cactus, a snake, a cattle skull, and finally that first cactus again.

Over and over again, the background loops as the cowboy “travels” on horseback. Everybody knows the cowboy isn’t going anywhere, only the scenery changes. But, the scenery doesn’t actually change. It just loops.

For the sake of comfort, harmony, or convenience, the same looping can occur when you get frustrated with your client. If you are like most, you get frustrated, blow off some steam, and soldier on.

Convenient. Comfortable. Perfectly harmless.

So, what’s the problem?

Nothing Actually Changes

When nothing changes, nothing improves. Do you want to understand how your client relationships can resemble that looping background? Read on.

Passive aggression – not just a personality disorder.

Passive aggression is the tendency to deal with stressful or unpleasant situations with a paradoxical, non-confrontative strategy. A person employing passive-aggression will use evasive, indirect methods when in the presence of the person he has a problem with, but in private will reveal his anger or frustration.

Passive aggression has become so common that the term has been used to describe a personality disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR). DSM-IV-TR has become the standard for disordered behavior by mental health professionals.

The personality disorder is not the concept discussed here. More than a personality disorder, passive aggression is far more common. It is often used as a “safe” means for blowing off steam in situations that discourage the practice of open and honest communication when dealing with conflict.

In the vast majority of contemporary professional situations, it is more acceptable to maintain a sense of politeness and decorum. Openly discussing conflict is discouraged. Where discussing conflict is unsafe, most will identify some outlet for their emotions.

While most agree that passive aggression is undesirable, many do not understand just how damaging it can be to client relations.

The catharsis loop.

Recall the staged background that depicted the cowboy traveling: cactus, tumbleweed, smaller cactus, snake, cattle skull, then the same sequence repeats. There isn’t actually any movement.

The catharsis loop works much the same way. If frustration with a client is managed passive aggressively: you start with frustration, then venting, catharsis, and then relief. However, since there has been no discussion with your frustrating client, he will inevitably continue his frustrating habits yet again. So, the loop begins anew.

But, with a disturbing little twist.

You become more frustrated every time the dynamic loops back to frustration.

Passive aggressive behavior can be particularly damaging because, like the looped cactus background, you have produced the illusion of doing something, when nothing actually happened.

You Have Fallen Into The Catharsis Loop

To understand the catharsis loop, it is important to understand the distinction between catharsis and reconciliation.

Catharsis is the release of stress or tension. It is an unburdening.

If you want a quick, physical sensation of catharsis, hold your pen with arms fully extended out in front of you, eye level, with one hand on each end of the pen.

Somewhere between 30 and 60 seconds you will come to recognize why this is a popular training technique for U. S. Naval Recruits in basic training.

Now drop your arms.

Feel the relief?

That’s catharsis.

After a few moments, the relief and the strain will subside. Your arms will feel as they did when you began reading this article. Nothing will have changed.

Reconciliation is something quite different.

Reconciliation is borne out of the conflict between two people. Each person maintains an understanding of the world based on experience and perception. The understanding of an individual can be depicted by a circle.


The symbolic world of a single individual.

 

The representation of both individuals can be depicted by two separate circles.


The symbolic world of two separate individuals.

 

In order to enter into a relationship, there has to be some common ground in each person’s understanding. This common ground can be depicted by a small area of overlap between the two circles.


Two individuals with common ground.

 

As two people grow in relationship, the area of overlap grows.


The relationship grows.

 

Conflict comes from a point of reference outside of the area of overlap—an unshared understanding.


The red dots refer to areas outside of the shared understanding, but within each individual's symbolic worlds.

 

Reconciliation happens when communication occurs that serves to incorporate the unshared understanding. The area of common understanding grows—more overlap between the two circles.

Reconciliation results in greater trust and understanding, and a stronger bond between relational partners.

 

This is the distinction between catharsis and reconciliation. Catharsis is the relief of pain. Reconciliation is the building of increased mutual understanding that comes from conflict.

The problem with passive aggression is how catharsis and reconciliation are similar.

Your Brain Cannot Tell The Difference

Catharsis sets up an experience in the brain. Since you are frustrated with your client, you are in pain. Once that pain has been released or vented, you feel the relief from pain.

Your emotional brain interprets the relief from catharsis as resolution.

This interpretation is an illusion.

Resolution is available through reconciliation, not catharsis. Resolution cannot happen unless you actually engage the client you are frustrated with about the matter frustrating you.

In catharsis, the problem is not actually resolved, your brain lives in the illusion that it is. This resembles the illusion of the cowboy traveling (which he isn’t) on his horse (which is make-believe).

Just as the actors in a play ask you to suspend disbelief so that they can tell you their story, the emotional brain has you believing something that isn’t true: that the relationship has changed to relieve your stress and frustration.

When the client frustrates you, yet again, you not only relive the frustration from before, but you also experience a misplaced sense of betrayal.

You have fallen into the catharsis loop.

Where does the catharsis loop lead you?

Greater Resentment Toward Your Client

In catharsis, you have avoided communicating your concerns, problems, and frustrations to your client. Your emotional brain interprets that you have communicated when you have not (pain relief is interpreted as the result of resolving action).

When your client continues to act in a similarly frustrating manner (And why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t know how it is affecting you), your emotions turn to resentment.

Your client has betrayed an “understanding” that he never entered into. Of course, your emotional brain is not naturally equipped to recognize the distinction.

Each time the loop begins anew; you grow more frustrated and resentful.

This leads to a loss of trust, understanding, and reconciliation.

In other words . . .

This is a certain pathway to dissolving client relationships that might be completely repairable, and more importantly, potentially fertile ground for lasting trust and mutual benefit.

 

Want to Avoid the Catharsis Loop?

Follow these steps:

1. Blow off some steam.

Yes, I know I just told you that blowing off steam could lead to the catharsis loop. But, it is also the best first step to jump out of it. You want to avoid repeating a nonproductive process like looping through your frustration without taking corrective action.

Blowing off steam allows you to settle down, cool off, and put yourself in a place to act strategically with your client to resolve the problem, rather than react out of heightened emotion.

2. Reinterpret relief as a sign to take action.

The catharsis loop begins when relief of pain is interpreted as an emotional “all clear” sign. Relief from pain is not the time to forget what it was that put you there to begin with. Relief should be the sign that tells you it’s time to compose a plan to resolve the issue.

This requires discipline of thought and action. Not only do you have to identify the discrete steps, you have to execute them.

“Ideas are useless unless used. The proof of their value is only in their implementation.”
-Theodore Levitt

3. Challenge the story you are telling yourself.

Your frustration is based on a story, not on your client’s actions. Don’t believe me? Use this test.

  • First, write about your frustrating client experience.
  • Now re-read your writing.
  • Circle all of the words or phrases that are observations about your client’s behavior. Observations are what you experience through your five senses. If your client says, “I would like to talk to you about my bill.” That is an observation.
  • Draw a box around all of the conclusions you drew from your client’s behavior. If you conclude that your client is trying to get out of paying you? That is a conclusion.

The more boxes you have, the more that you are living in your story about your client. The more circles you have, the more that you are grounded in factual information.

4. Focus on the observations. Suspend your conclusions.

When plotting your next action steps with your client, use your observations to begin an inquiry. Ask your client his intent. Explore what is going on for him. If your conclusions are not supported by this inquiry, then you need to form more accurate ones.

If your conclusions are supported by this inquiry, have a frank discussion about how the behavior affects you and the relationship. Handled appropriately, this could result in a stronger bond with your client.

This could also very well result in dissolution of the client relationship. However, if you manage episodes appropriately and your client goes toward dissolution, this is probably the relationship’s natural conclusion.

Lead Your Client To Where He Wants To Go

All relationships and dynamics have natural and appropriate conclusions. The more that you can progress your relationships and dynamics toward their natural conclusions, the more fulfilling they will be. This may sound like you should exit relationships. That is not what I am suggesting.

When communication stops in relationships, represented by the presence of passive aggressive communication, it remains at impasse. The natural progression of the relationship is lost. This does not serve you or your client.

If your frustration is a reflection of your client’s posture toward the relationship, you owe it to you and your client to confirm the posture, validate the issues you find frustrating, and if necessary go your separate ways.

If your frustration is a reflection of a misunderstanding, the sooner you clear it, the better.

If you find yourself looping in catharsis the next time you find yourself frustrated by your client, here’s a cactus to “prod” you out of the catharsis loop.

Happy Client Retaining,

If you aren't already a subscriber,
your journey starts with a single click.

If you like this article, you have permission to share this article with your own list, post it on your website, on your blog, or add it to your own autoresponder; so long as you leave it intact and do not alter it in anyway. All links must remain in the article.

And include this at the end of the article:

© 2004-2007 Jeff Simon Consulting. All Rights Reserved. Wouldn't you love to peer into your client's head and know what they are thinking and feeling? Could you have better success at keeping and choosing your best clients if you could decode their behavior? Check out the Happy Clients Newsletter at: www.happyclientsnewsletter.com.

Please notify me when my article is used online or offline.